Had I Known

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Seven years ago on a day like today..It’s funny how time goes by so fast. They say time heals all wounds, but the loss and pain of a loved one never heals. You just learn to live with it and treasure the memories you had with them. I’m what you would like to call an introvert. I hide my feelings and hurt and always express it through poetry ,cooking or sewing. My dad died on January 5th 2006. It was one of the worst days of my life. He had been sick for a while, I never went to see him in hospital because I wanted my memory of him to be the strong papa who would carry me around as a little girl, not a frail man lying on a hospital bed. The day he kept asking for me, I decided I would go for the evening visit. As I was busy preparing myself that evening, my cousin called me crying saying how sorry he was. I was confused,I looked at my sister crying asking why he was calling to say sorry. That’s when it dawned on me he had died. I was angry at myself,confused in a daze wondering what had just happened. My mum and my other siblings came back home that night, and all I did was lock myself inside the bathroom, thoughts of ending my life too crossed my mind but only managed to cry my heart out. The guilt of not seeing him when I had the chance to ate me up, it still does sometimes. I learned to forgive myself for it recently and to treasure my family and most importantly my mum as much as possible. It has not been easy,but praying to God whenever I feel low,or talking to my mum has always kept me going,and of course poetry whenever I can’t express myself. If only I knew daddy..Forever Missed!    

  Had I known four years ago i wouldn’t have a daddy to call my own.
Had I known that my heart would break slowly,dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery.
Had I known that emptiness would entangle itself upon me with a grip so strong I couldn’t break free.
Had I known that mama would never dance with my father again.
Had I known the pain would haunt and stifle it’s grip on me.
Had I known that I’ll get to walk down that aisle someday without you by my side.
Had I known that i’d never get to call you daddy again and hear u whisper “I love you baby girl”.
Had I known that seven years later,I’d still be shedding tears writing this down on paper.
Had I known,I would have told you how much I love you.
But I didn’t know,I couldn’t fathom the impact it would have on me,with it’s deadly blow.
Had I not known that one day this enemy death will be erased.
Had I not known and held on to the   hope.
But I do know,and it makes my heart glow.
I know,hope and pray,that I’ll get to see your face someday..
For now,I do know i miss you night and day…

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I Gave In

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It’s been awhile since I published any of of my poetry here..well today I’m just in the mood to do just that, so here goes…enjoy! (copy written so don’t copy me)

I  GAVE IN

I gave in, I gave in to his caress, to his hands that blessed, undressed every part of my being.

I gave in to his temptation, to his seduction, to each fraction of his lips, I sanctioned him in.

I gave in to the sweet nectar of his juice, my rivers flowed for him, as one our bodies fused, but my heart he bruised.

I gave in to his sweet words that tasted like honey, it’s funny, I didn’t notice how uncanny they felt, but I gave in.

I gave in to his kryptonite, see I was like Superman, and his krypton made me weak, so weak my knees trembled with desire, I gave in to his powers.

I gave in to his waves, his waters carried me on to shore, I wanted more and more. I gave in and let him dive in, dive deep in the waters, breathlessly drowning in his high tide. My feelings I could not hide.

I gave in to his roots, his roots so strong and thick, they held my tree. I didn’t want to break free. I gave in thinking that he was the root to my tree, but he was just a branch, a branch broken by a gust of wind, so swift to last. He had to remain in the past.

I gave in to the sweetness of his forbidden fruit, but his fruit turned out to be Poison Ivy, running through my veins, gripping my heart, breaking it piece by piece.

I gave in to the fantasy, but reality came knocking my door. This man that I adored, I came to abhor.

But he also gave in, he gave in to his deceit. Like the waves and motions, his emotions carried him to a dark place, I had to face, face the fact that he gave in to his desires.

He gave in to taste this pearl, a pearl so bright and precious none had ever tasted. But he wasted that pearl. No longer sparkling in front of his eyes, he gave in to the lies.

And I gave in to his web, like a fly he caught me, entangled and distraught.

I gave in to a moment of pleasure, not a lasting treasure.

Peace and Blessings,

Vionna.

Of Vague Relationships

This is one of those posts I’ve been thinking should I post it or should I let it slip? But it’s been itching me lately, and I couldn’t help myself but to blog it out. Many of us have been victims to this vague relationships once in our lives. I know I have been in a one-sided relationship I actually didn’t know I was in once! Today we’ll just call them vague relationships. First of all let’s just get the definition of this word vague just for the sake of our “special ones” Vague: Not clearly expressed or not having a precise meaning. Now that we have that out-of-the-way, let’s move on swiftly:) Unfortunately many women tend to fall for this vague relationships often than guys do, since I don’t want to come off as a male basher( that’s more Tyler Perry’s forte) This post mostly will favour both sides,don’t shoot me ladies

1. You started off as a no strings attached arrangement and now in this woman’s head she expects you to do couples stuff. You know, take her out for movies, coffee she sends you Blankets and Wine events on Facebook hinting how awesome it would be for you to meet some of her friends at such events. As much as women nowadays tend to act all un-emotional, ladies no-strings attached arrangements are just that. You see for a man, they learn to separate their emotions when it comes to sex, when it comes to women, very few are able to do that. So if you agreed on a no strings attached arrangement honey, I hate to tell you but you will be stuck in that vague relationship till you wake up, smell the coffee and realize it’s going nowhere.

2. If you can’t define what you have ladies, that’s a red sign right there. There’s nothing as Its complicated relationships, Facebook needs to stop lying to you. If the only way you can explain it to your friends is that you two are still in the limbo phase, then errrm you should just come out and say you are in a vague relationship. Men are very straight forward with what they want, if he wants you then he will show it and you will know. If he starts telling you those let’s take it one day at a time nonsense, then one day he will get tired of taking it a day at a time.

3. He tells you let’s keep what we have on the hush. Should I even explain further really? He doesn’t want his friends knowing about you or anyone else saying he prefers keeping the relationship just between you two. Let’s just use the canine species as an example (The following relations to any living species is purely coincidental) : Dogs pee to mark their territory and claim ownership of their space. Same thing with men, when they have a prized possession, meaning you they will want to show you off and of course make sure to keep other predators away. You see where keeping it on the hush does not make sense here?

4. He is going out on dates with other women, not hiding it from you in any way and you start getting vexed about it. Is there any better way to put this? Can you get over the fantasy in your head that lies to you that you have a relationship with this man! (okay there’s no better way to say it) because you don’t. I actually blame this on social networks. A guy starts flirting with a certain lady, checking up on her every day on Facebook or Twitter (mind you they have never met outside of the virtual world) she sends him a relationship request (why people do this is beyond me) and assumes they are going out. Stop wasting your jealousy on things that don’t exist.

5. Unfortunately many ladies who get knocked up, expecting a ring immediately after fall into this vague relationships. Most times when a lady gets knocked up, the man flees like you just told him you have Ebola and things may change for the better or for the worse. Some come back to their senses, some don’t. But some ladies think since they are carrying his seed, they will have a bond that will bind them forever together and live happily ever after.

Those are just a few of the signs I’ve come to observe and notice in my short(I still insist) life. We tend to insist on things that don’t exist. Stop trying to justify the relationship saying it gives it a mysterious edgy feeling. A vague relationship is just that. Vague. I’m not writing this to male/female bash nor trying to say I haven’t fallen in this trap too. But I’ve come to realize one thing, as corny as it sounds; life is too short to hold on to something that’ s not there to hold on to in the first place. So get over that vague feeling and find some real feelings (Insert Oprah voice and read it in that accent)

Peace and Blessings, Vionna