Had I Known

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Seven years ago on a day like today..It’s funny how time goes by so fast. They say time heals all wounds, but the loss and pain of a loved one never heals. You just learn to live with it and treasure the memories you had with them. I’m what you would like to call an introvert. I hide my feelings and hurt and always express it through poetry ,cooking or sewing. My dad died on January 5th 2006. It was one of the worst days of my life. He had been sick for a while, I never went to see him in hospital because I wanted my memory of him to be the strong papa who would carry me around as a little girl, not a frail man lying on a hospital bed. The day he kept asking for me, I decided I would go for the evening visit. As I was busy preparing myself that evening, my cousin called me crying saying how sorry he was. I was confused,I looked at my sister crying asking why he was calling to say sorry. That’s when it dawned on me he had died. I was angry at myself,confused in a daze wondering what had just happened. My mum and my other siblings came back home that night, and all I did was lock myself inside the bathroom, thoughts of ending my life too crossed my mind but only managed to cry my heart out. The guilt of not seeing him when I had the chance to ate me up, it still does sometimes. I learned to forgive myself for it recently and to treasure my family and most importantly my mum as much as possible. It has not been easy,but praying to God whenever I feel low,or talking to my mum has always kept me going,and of course poetry whenever I can’t express myself. If only I knew daddy..Forever Missed!    

  Had I known four years ago i wouldn’t have a daddy to call my own.
Had I known that my heart would break slowly,dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery.
Had I known that emptiness would entangle itself upon me with a grip so strong I couldn’t break free.
Had I known that mama would never dance with my father again.
Had I known the pain would haunt and stifle it’s grip on me.
Had I known that I’ll get to walk down that aisle someday without you by my side.
Had I known that i’d never get to call you daddy again and hear u whisper “I love you baby girl”.
Had I known that seven years later,I’d still be shedding tears writing this down on paper.
Had I known,I would have told you how much I love you.
But I didn’t know,I couldn’t fathom the impact it would have on me,with it’s deadly blow.
Had I not known that one day this enemy death will be erased.
Had I not known and held on to the   hope.
But I do know,and it makes my heart glow.
I know,hope and pray,that I’ll get to see your face someday..
For now,I do know i miss you night and day…

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Morning Dew

Have you ever woken up bright and early in the morning, your legs step on the wet grass as the wetness seeps in through the sole of your feet? Morning dew, that’s what it’s called. Now I know you all know what morning dew is, but have you ever wondered why it only appears in the morning? Well, we only see dew in the morning because for dew to form, air must be cooled to its condensation point; there must be little movement to the air. These conditions usually occur overnight when the wind dies down and the air becomes still.(I’m not that smart; Wikipedia came through with that definition, but let’s just stick to the part where you’re impressed by my smartness shall we?)

This year has been one of those years that have just been morbid for me. I’ve joined more Rest in Peace pages on Facebook than I have gotten friend requests. Death is one of those enemies that comes and steals something so precious to you. That’s where morning dew comes in, I’ve come to realize life is like morning dew, just like morning dew comes in the morning and gone during the day, that’s just how short and precious life is. We never know when our morning dew will fade, and this got me thinking, as corny as it sounds; life is short. Sometimes we tend to live our lives as if we are immortal, the all lets live for today for we don’t know what tomorrow brings kind of life. But with all the friends I’ve lost this year, one thing I’ve come to realize what it really means to live life to the full. It’s not about partying, drinking to the max like there’s no tomorrow. It’s making the best of the time we have now, because like morning dew, we never know when we’ll fade away. Making an impact in your life. A wise woman once told me, if you want to know just how much impact one made in their lives or those around them, everyone always wants to chip in on their eulogy at funerals. And no I’m not talking about MPigs who use funerals as their platform to beg for votes and for some silly attention seeking airtime. I’m talking about the close family, friends and those who mattered to the deceased.

Lately it’s been heart-wrenching watching news. I’m one of those people who are very empathetic. I would cry just by hearing a friend of a friend lost their loved one. It’s because when you lose someone close, a family member or a loved one you know the pain one goes through and you kind of feel their pain. The ferry tragedy in Zanzibar that took so many lives, those are people who had plans; they were looking forward to seeing another day not for it to end so abruptly. The Sinai Fire tragedy this week, it pained me when some friends of mine were talking so coldly about it. Not all who perished in the fire were out there siphoning fuel. Some were kids going to school, some were still at home waiting for the rain to die down but due to bad timing they were caught up in it. For a fellow human being to say I hope they learned their lesson, is just sadistic. There’s a Ghanaian Proverb that came to mind when I heard all the idiotic conversations about this all: It is a fool who rejoices when his neighbor is in trouble. Think about the child who will grow up without a father or mother because the dad was trying to make a quick buck maybe to provide for the family. Them being rained on, homeless, everything lost because they were caught up in man-made disasters. Now we can go on and on about who to blame and what not, but enough about that.

Sometimes I always wonder if I had a flash forward of my life knowing when it will end, would I do things differently. Would I be a better person as it were? But the beauty about life, it’s a mystery. We never know when our morning dew will fade away that’s why we need to live life without regrets, make amends, forgive and let go and try to make everyday count. As I write this post, I can’t help but shed a tear or two, I just lost another friend, we might not have been close this past few years but what pains me is the newborn baby she left. The child that will live without her mummy, the child that will not suckle on its mama’s breast but feed on formulas and powdered milk. The child that will not feel its mothers touch, her warmth and her protective arms, and it just makes me cry and pray for that child and the family. Life is short beautiful ones, just like morning dew it comes and fades away.

Now this is one poem I wrote when I lost my dad, and thought I’d share it with anyone who’s lost a parent, a friend or anyone who mattered to them. Promise not to be so morbid and sad on the next blog post, but writing it out has helped me much. Take care of you.

Had I Known

Had I known four years ago I wouldn’t have a daddy to call my own.
Had I known that my heart would break slowly, dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery.
Had I known that emptiness would entangle itself upon me with a grip so strong I couldn’t break free?
Had I known that mama would never dance with my father again?
Had I known the pain would haunt and stifle its grip on me.
Had I known that I’ll get to walk down that aisle someday without you by my side?
Had I known that I’d never get to call you daddy again and hear u whisper “I love you baby girl”.
Had I known that four years later I’d still be shedding tears writing this down on paper?
Had I known, I would have told you how much I love you.
But I didn’t know, I couldn’t fathom the impact it would have on me, with its deadly blow.
Had I not known that one day this enemy death will be erased?
Had I not known and held on to the hope.
But I do know, and it makes my heart glow.
I know, hope and pray, that I’ll get to see your face someday..
For now, I do know I miss you night and day…

Peace and blessings always, Vionna