Dance With My Father

Today is one of those days that has bitter-sweet memories for me, 3rd November. I used to look forward to this day with bated breath, you see I don’t believe in love much, the happily ever after endings for me only exist in fairy tales. But there’s one couple that I truly believed loved each other. They went through many trials, sorrow, happiness and love together. They took their marriage vows seriously even though their children at times thought they were better off apart when insurmountable problems would arise, but somehow they proved them wrong time and again. I came to admire this beautiful couple, not only did they bring me into this world, but they taught me the seriousness of marriage and not the 72 days Kim Kardashian kind of marriage. But the kind of marriage that flourishes with time. My siblings and I came to admire their love, so every 3rd November we would try to outdo each other and make their wedding anniversary as special as possible. It’s what drew us siblings together and the one day that we would all look forward to, baking cakes and planning weekend getaways for them was the least we could do. Seeing my mum so happy as she danced with my father always brought tears of joy to my eyes. The glint in her eyes as she danced with my father I always thought it would last forever, that nothing would ever tear it apart. But as life would have it, that was not going to be the case. The cruel hands of death came and snatched my daddy away from us 5 years ago. Ever since then, 3rd November has become one of those days I always want to end so fast, because it kills me seeing the pain in my mama’s eyes. Today would have been their 35th wedding anniversary, we always planned to throw a big party when they reached this milestone, but alas! That was never meant to be. I’ve never really experienced the kind of love my parents had, that would make me love someone that much, live with someone for that long, endure a whole lot of shit from them sometimes yet sticking with someone through thick and thin so I can’t begin to imagine the pain she goes through every year. Life has its ups and down people, and I’m forever grateful for the good times we had celebrating their love together. Sometimes you just never know what you’ve got till it’s snatched away from you. Never take anything for granted, take some time from your busy schedules to appreciate the love that your parents have and show them how much you appreciate them when they are still alive. Times have changed, it’s not like our parents days when they valued marriage and would put up a straight face for the sake of the kids yet behind closed doors at times their marriage was falling apart. We never value the sanctity of marriage as much as they used to, till death do us apart no longer seems to apply much, but for those who still do, I salute you. I always hope and pray that I will find a love that lasts forever like my parents had, and today of all days I would do anything to have her dance with my father again. The late Luther Vandross song always plays over and over in my head on this day and always brings tears to my eyes..

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then

Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again

Ooh, ooh

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father

Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear her, mama cryin’ for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I’m prayin’ for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don’t do it usually
But Lord, she’s dyin’ to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

Peace and Blessings always,Vionna


Words I said

It’s been a while since I last blogged, somehow I haven’t been inspired much lately been busy fighting my own demons within. Anyway I’m back now! Actually I’m just random blogging today over coffee while waiting for someone, some Lupe Fiasco playing in the background: Words I never said to be exact, it’s actually one of those songs that just touches me right there. Somehow it got me thinking about how lately I’ve said some words I wish I could take back, but I can’t.
You know that slip of the tongue moment when you say something over an argument, and you wish you could take it back? We’ve all had that foot in mouth moments that leave a bad taste in your mouth, when you cringe and can’t believe what you just said. But the power words have, is too immense, sometimes we may blurt out hurtful words without realizing the effect it has on someone. We’ve all been a victim of it one way or another, I know I have from being bullied in school way back, or from friends who make comments that hurt you I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get my drift.
As I write this, I’m sitting here waiting for a close friend of mine, who just called me and said she needed to talk to someone. You see, she’s been going through some verbal abuse from her better half. Personally, verbal abuse for me is worse than physical abuse, you see with the physical someone hurts you on the outside which is visible to all and sundry, but with verbal abuse, the words sink in on your emotions and mentally destroys, and makes you believe what someone says yet the damage is not visible on the outside. Yet I will sit here, offer her words of comfort tell her everything will be alright that she should get out of the relationship, but truth be told, I will tell her what she wants to hear, why? Because I fear she may not be able to handle the truth. If I may quote Lupe; “Fear is such a weak emotion that’s why I despise it, we scared of almost everything afraid to even tell the truth. So scared of what you think of me, I’m so scared of even telling you. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person I feel safe to tell it to”. But this is one of those times I guess, the truth needs to be told no matter how hurtful it may be. What I’m trying to get at is that we need to choose our words carefully at times, we may not know the damage our words would cause, or how they would mean to someone. How many times do you work your butt off, or go out of your way for someone, yet they never show their appreciation and you’re left wondering if Thank you is such big word for some people to use? They don’t call them magic words for nothing, sorry and Thank you go along way. Or when someone is sick or lost a loved one, just being there to offer them a few words of encouragement always means a lot to them. I was going through a very rough patch the last couple of months, but what kept me going is comforting words from close friends sometimes bland piercing words that I needed to here, but it got me through my dark cloud. So go on, be nice and be careful about what you say, because you can never take it back, no matter how much you would want to. Let me take you to church a bit, in the book of Proverbs 15:2 it says; The tongue of wise ones does good with knowledge, but the mouth of the stupid ones bubbles forth with foolishness{ Can I get an Amen!} Well that’s my daily rumblings for today, as I’m here drowning in my regrets with words I wish I didn’t say to someone, I’ve learned to muzzle my mouth as it were while having arguments because it’s never nothing but words, you can never take them back. My friend is here now; please excuse me while I try to apply what I’ve just written here. As always,
Peace and Blessings, Vionna

Painting The Forth Bridge

The Forth Bridge, you ask? Well, it is one of the longest bridges in Scotland, its 2.5km in length and the double track is elevated 46m above high tide. I could go on and on about the history of this bridge, but that’s not important. There’s a Scottish saying I love using most of the time: It’s Like Painting the Forth Bridge. This was an expression that was coined on the erroneous belief that at one time in the history of the bridge, repainting was required and commenced immediately upon the completion of the previous repaint. That it took more than seven years painting it, and start repainting it all over again when done. Hence the term, it’s like Painting the Forth Bridge. It was a never-ending task. Now that we are all on the same page here, let’s go back to the reason for me using that term….

Recently someone really annoyed me by a comment they made about me, I love traveling a lot, and most of the time my friends hijack me for a road trip outside of the city, just for some peace and quiet. So someone sent me a text asking me if I was home during the weekend, I told him I was on my way out of Nairobi, and he calls me telling me how I’m such a spoilt brat! That it seems I’m living life lavishly, I don’t know anything about having problems! I’ve been going through some tough times lately, and I really needed some time out. Away from the city and everyone. So a friend of mine asked me if we could do a random trip to Annuli, and I hurriedly accepted that offer. And here, someone assumed that all I do is travel around without a care in the world! I really got so worked up, but hang up the phone on him, and continued on with my sojourn. You see, my daddy always used to tell me one thing: Always dress well, hide your problems with a smile, because half of the people you tell, will only pity you and do nothing about it, but the only person you can trust with your problems, and your sure he’ll fix it or provide a way out, is God. So that’s what I always do, I might have a smile on my face, but inside I’m breaking into little pieces. But believing in God is like “Painting the Forth Bridge”; it’s a never-ending task… I’m not one to tell people about my problems, I always find a way of fixing them alone. But let me take you back a few years back in my life…

Flashback to 2002:
In 2002, around Christmas, New Years time, my brother was beaten up while he was leaving the club and ended up dying a few days before New Year, I felt like my world had come to an end. This wasn’t happening to me and not just when I was ready to say goodbye to 2002. Being the Lastborn in my family, I always end up being the last to know about such things, and everyone finds a way of dealing with the grief and assumes you are ok.I went on a wild spree after that, as usual I tried hiding the hurt and pain that was killing me inside. I was just about to finish high school then, and went on a drinking, partying, life’s short, screw it before it does you attitude! But that’s when I knew; true friends can always see the frown when you have a fake smile on. I went on with life as if nothing had happened, hiding the sorrow from everyone, yet crying myself to sleep every night, and asking God to give me the strength to wake up every day in the morning…”It was like painting the Forth Bridge”. And somehow, he answered my prayers through true, amazing friends who were there for me, let me soak their shoulders literally with my tears, and helped me get through that nightmare…

Flash-Forward to 2006:
In 2006, five days after New Year’s, my dad passed away. He had been sick for a while and my phobia of hospitals, had deterred me from going to see him in hospital, you see after my brother died, I had a phobia of hospitals. I couldn’t enter anywhere near a hospital, I would start shaking and get asthmatic attacks. I was a daddy’s girl, I wanted to remember my dad the way he was, big cheerful and one who would protect me from any harm. But now his kidneys and liver had failed {let’s just say he loved his bottle so much} and his health was deteriorating so fast. I didn’t want to remember him in that way so I never went to see him in hospital, and the day I decided to go, was the day he died! My mum and sisters came back home from hospital, and found my cousin had called me earlier with the bad news. I was in a state of shock and never shed a tear that day. The guilt of not going to see him while in hospital still eats me up till today, but this time around, I didn’t go on a wild spree. I became a loner and buried myself with work and was angry at myself, at God, at my dad for leaving us with bank loans and debts to pay, for leaving me, his little princess all alone in this cruel world, I was angry at everyone. I hated when people came to comfort me, I managed to drift away from my friends then and poetry and writing became my release therapy. But no man is an Island, I needed comfort too. I was tired of pretending to be the strong one. That year and the next two after that, everything that could go wrong went wrong. It’s like Murphy’s Law was remixing its meaning to Vionna’s Law. But as usual, I couldn’t believe how God answered my prayers; I saw his love first hand. through strangers, known media personalities, who were more than amazing in helping me get back on track financially and my ever so amazing friends who helped me through strangers, known media personalities, who were more than amazing in helping me get back on track financially and my ever so amazing friends who helped me emotionally too. Believing in him then, let’s just say “It was Like Painting the Forth Bridge”

The Here and Now:
Recently the remix of Murphy’s Law, A.K.A Vionna’s Law has been the story of my life…the past few months, I’ve come to know the meaning of the term Shit Happens…well, I don’t want to delve much into it, but this year is just one of those years I want to end, and fast! Recently while heading back to Nairobi from Nanyuki, I was just staring outside my window, it was raining heavily, my friend was trying to swerve the potholes, the road was slippery, it was getting dark, I could tell he was tense, afraid, hoping to get both of us back to Nairobi in one piece, and I was just sitting there, staring outside the window, enjoying the rain dripping down my window, I felt like it was washing away the turmoil in my soul, cleansing away all the pain.. and somehow I managed to doze off a bit, woke up in Muranga where it was a bit dry, and hawkers bombarding us with their bananas, paw paws forcing us to buy them, the mathe in me had to get some of course. The journey after that was peaceful, no more rain. And I wished my life was peaceful like that, that somehow the dark cloud hovering above me would just disappear. But unfortunately it hasn’t though I’ve learned to cover my problems with a smile, and remove my disguises when I’m alone and turn to God in prayer. During our trip back to Nairobi, one of my best friends whose been seeing me through all this trials, sent me a verse to remind me of God’s love, Corinthians 10:13 which partly says, God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation, he will also make the way out in order for you to be able to endure it. I was busy trying to fix things, to get my life back in order to remember that scripture. And yes with time, I know he will provide a way out for me. We all go through trials in our lives, for some of us it’s visible, for some us we know how to hide it well, but no one should ever assume no one has problems in this world. What I’ve come to learn is that as much as you might not find a solution to your problems, when you turn to God in prayer, he answers you in many ways. Through friends who comfort you, offer you free vacations in 5star hotels in Mombasa{Coast this weekend.woohoo!! can’t wait!} who call you up just check how you are doing, cry with you when you need to cry and offer you big nice bear hugs that make you realize your not alone in this…sometimes we try so much to fix things that are already broken and end up being frustrated, yet we forget one thing, there things once broken, they will never be as good as new, no matter how much you try. We should learn to let go, and get new ones and while at it, always remember God’s undying love is MORE than “painting the Forth Bridge”. It’s a never an ending task no matter how much we feel we don’t deserve it at times..

Peace and Blessings, Vionna

Breaking Free

Yesterday was one of those days my emotions were on some sort of whirlwind,you know when you can’t seem to pinpoint how your feeling?Lately most of my friends have been going through a motion,and as always,being the support system for most of my friends,their emotions sort of rub on me,and at times I end up emotionally drained.Not that I’m complaining,i love the fact that they can always run up to me for comfort when need be..but as I was sitted in a restaurant waiting for one of my girlfriends in the evening,a certain little girl caught my attention,she was about 5years,her mum was on the phone,busy chatting,she looked so cute in her uniform,though she looked really tired.Her mum was clutching her bag on one hand,the other on the phone,and the little one trying as hard as possible to clutch on her arm.And that’s when the little girl snapped.She was tired of waiting for her mum to finish her conversation on the phone,and she just broke free and crossed the road!To the shock of many people around piercing the mum with dagger eyes,how could she let the little one cross the road herself..i couldn’t make out what happened,because i was sited a bit far,but how she dragged the little one by the ear,pinching her,and scolding her,i could tell the little girl was in trouble..I know your probably wondering what I’m on about,well the little girl kinda reminded me of a few things going on in my know when it seems like the world has its grip on you,and you’re trying hard to hold on to it,and it keeps pulling you back every time you try to break free,and you just need your mama’s hand to help you cross this road,cause you can’t seem to cross it by yourself..when I saw that little girl i was lost in thought,i didn’t notice my friend waving at me..The little girl got tired of waiting,she took matters in her own hands,as scared as she was,because she was tired and she just wanted to go home,and it got me thinking,it reaches a point in life,where you just need to let go of the worlds hands as it were,it might be scary crossing the road by yourself,you’ll face dangers around,a few bumps here and there,you’ll be ridiculed,people will try bring you down,but you know what,it reaches a point,you just need to break free,and Giving up on waiting doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go..whatever you might be going through,be it a broken relationship,just remember one thing,Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together..Just break free from the grips and heartaches,and learn to cross this road called life by yourself,sure it has a few bumps,but with time,they all ease up..release the pain inside,Because Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it..Learn to break free!
Peace and Blessings,Vionna