My Own Worst Enemy

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Sometimes we tend to lash out on people who would as much as dare say something bad about us, confront them and give them a piece of our minds, but we never react the same when we do the same to ourselves. I was listening to Pink’s Don’t Let Me Get Me, and realized just how true that song is;

“Every day I fight a war against the mirror, I can’t take the person staring back at me”. 2013 was a year I was  forced to grow up, my life changed so fast, I didn’t have the time to catch up with it. I had two choices, to wallow in self pity and think of the things I left behind (which I did for awhile and still do sometimes) or accept the fact that life has its ups and downs and we just need to let the tide flow and be able to surf through the strong waves that might come our way. Easier said than done, no matter how many inspiring tweets I retweeted, no matter how many books I read, the war I was fighting was within. I was trying to win a battle without knowing who the enemy was. The enemy was me; comparing my life with my peers, being hard on myself and not counting the blessings God had brought my way. I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder what went wrong, I had my game plan all planned out in my head, settled down at a certain age, two kids running around our little picket fenced house. But life doesn’t always go according to how we plan it; I couldn’t take the person staring back at me while looking at the mirror.

“Don’t let me get me, I’m my own worst enemy, it’s bad when you annoy yourself, so irritating”. I made a few mistakes in 2012 and vowed not to do the same when 2013 came my way. I stuck to it for awhile, but then sometimes you fall of the bandwagon and have to brush yourself off and learn from your mistakes over and over again. I was annoyed at myself, and it was irritating, annoyed at the fact that I let my guard down, that I let myself down. I’m good at disguising a smile and not showing my real emotions to people, sometimes I forget and play along with my charade until everything bottled up comes out and I reach my breaking point and vow not to do it again, but find myself always in the same situation. They say it’s always good to talk to someone, it helps you find the root cause of the problem and how you can dress that wound up, but somehow people just don’t seem to understand and you would rather write it down and forget about it.

“Don’t want to be my friend no more; I want to be somebody else”. I no longer want to be that person, who brings me down anymore, I want to be a better me, accept the fact that comparing oneself to others doesn’t help in any way, instead focus on me and making me happy. I had a friend who told me once she realized Instagram was making her depressed and deactivated her account, she would see people posting photos of how they are living the good life, put up a selfie of herself ever smiling get a few likes and comments, but in reality no one knew what she was going through. Not even her closest friends, so she decided enough was enough, she was getting rid of everything that didn’t bring her any happiness in life. She inspired me to make my happiness a priority, to stop being my own worst enemy. It’s still an ongoing battle. Lord knows I have made a few mistakes lately that I’m not proud of, but that doesn’t mean I should beat myself up for it. I’m not perfect, my life may not be how I wanted it to turn out, but I’m alive, I have a roof over my head and a family that cares and puts up with my flaws. Things may not be the way I want them to be, but they are the way they should be. I have learned to be lenient with myself, and I won’t let me get me!

Peace and Blessings

Vionna. Continue reading

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