Had I Known

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Seven years ago on a day like today..It’s funny how time goes by so fast. They say time heals all wounds, but the loss and pain of a loved one never heals. You just learn to live with it and treasure the memories you had with them. I’m what you would like to call an introvert. I hide my feelings and hurt and always express it through poetry ,cooking or sewing. My dad died on January 5th 2006. It was one of the worst days of my life. He had been sick for a while, I never went to see him in hospital because I wanted my memory of him to be the strong papa who would carry me around as a little girl, not a frail man lying on a hospital bed. The day he kept asking for me, I decided I would go for the evening visit. As I was busy preparing myself that evening, my cousin called me crying saying how sorry he was. I was confused,I looked at my sister crying asking why he was calling to say sorry. That’s when it dawned on me he had died. I was angry at myself,confused in a daze wondering what had just happened. My mum and my other siblings came back home that night, and all I did was lock myself inside the bathroom, thoughts of ending my life too crossed my mind but only managed to cry my heart out. The guilt of not seeing him when I had the chance to ate me up, it still does sometimes. I learned to forgive myself for it recently and to treasure my family and most importantly my mum as much as possible. It has not been easy,but praying to God whenever I feel low,or talking to my mum has always kept me going,and of course poetry whenever I can’t express myself. If only I knew daddy..Forever Missed!    

  Had I known four years ago i wouldn’t have a daddy to call my own.
Had I known that my heart would break slowly,dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery.
Had I known that emptiness would entangle itself upon me with a grip so strong I couldn’t break free.
Had I known that mama would never dance with my father again.
Had I known the pain would haunt and stifle it’s grip on me.
Had I known that I’ll get to walk down that aisle someday without you by my side.
Had I known that i’d never get to call you daddy again and hear u whisper “I love you baby girl”.
Had I known that seven years later,I’d still be shedding tears writing this down on paper.
Had I known,I would have told you how much I love you.
But I didn’t know,I couldn’t fathom the impact it would have on me,with it’s deadly blow.
Had I not known that one day this enemy death will be erased.
Had I not known and held on to the   hope.
But I do know,and it makes my heart glow.
I know,hope and pray,that I’ll get to see your face someday..
For now,I do know i miss you night and day…

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11 Comments

  1. that is very painful and I know what you are feeling. I had similar incident when my grandfather, who practically raised me, was sick. I wasn’t there by his bedside when he passed, because I was too cheap to spend the extra $150 to move up my flight ticket, I didn’t think 2days would make a difference… I’ve been living with this guilt for over 20years and it sickens me every time I think about it. It doesn’t matter how many people try to reason and comfort me in this, its something that I’ll live with for rest of my life 😦
    Life is so full of regrets…uggg

  2. hi vyonah,i came to this blog coz i started blogging recently and wanted to hear what other bloggers were saying.the first post i read is this one and i was touched.i was fifteen we had a bad fight with my ma,i left home intending to never come back.the same night i left,ma was brutally murdered by a close friend of hers.four days later i heard the news,i almost killed my self.the idea of her dying before we could solve our ish still haunts me to date,i used to cry myself to sleep.i used to think that one day shell come,i used to keep a journal of things i hoped to tell her when she came.call me sick but i still do this things,she was the love of my life,the glue that held my life together,the only one person who took away all my tears,and the one person id give everything up to be with,so i get ua pain,they say that time heals all wounds i hope time does that to me….nice post

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