What Twitter Taught Me

Warning, if you don’t get sarcasm please stop reading and continue tweeting. Thank you. Now that we have that out-of-the-way, I’d like to share a few things this addiction that is also known as Twitter has taught me.

1. Twitter taught me that High school never ends. We have the cool kids, the Goth kids, the blonde I will flash my boobs to become popular kids, the geek kids, the invisible kids and the ones that sound like they have cooties. Still wondering which cool kid to give it up to so that I can become famous.

2.Twitter taught me that you should not say a prayer before you eat, rather twitpic the food and send it to all your followers first, then maybe you can tweet a prayer about which fancy restaurant you’ve visited in the name of food, AMEN!

3.Twitter taught me it is cool to prevent prostate cancer. How you wonder? Well if I post a semi-naked picture of myself and a guy faps to it, I have saved someone’s balls. Plus, what could be more romantic than a random maybe creepy (but who cares) guy jizzes while looking at my photo?

4.Twitter taught me if you don’t have it, fake it until you sound like you’ve made it. You know, like (please insert a Blonde cheerleader’s accent here)OMG I’m so like cool, I have like an iPhone that’s so like 5 not 4s, and I like so don’t know Kaswahili, I’m like so raised in the suburbs. But they probably don’t know I get so broke trying to look rich though!

5.Twitter taught me to be an expert at playing the monkey see monkey do game.” Oh lookie! Here’s a random person I don’t know but since I want to be buddies with the cool kids, let me join them in insulting this person I hardly know.”This game is so fun!

6.Twitter taught me the best therapy to get over my insecurities is find a victim on the social network, tell them how ugly they are, or how fat they are and hide behind my computer and phone. See how macho I’ve become? I CAPSLOCKED them and showed them who runs this. I don’t need you Dr. Phil!

7.Twitter taught me to be very religious when I’m out in the real world having conversations with real people. I just bow my head as if I’m praying while I’m busy tweeting and caressing my phone’s keypad like it’s a rosary. It also taught me it’s ok to tweet Bible verses on Sundays and have nasty I want the D tweets during the rest of the week.

8.Twitter taught me that travelling by bus is not a means of transportation and being poor is a bad disease. Like who does that? You can’t afford a flight to Mombasa, Kisumu or Rongai? Euww that is so disgusting!

9.Twitter taught me that you don’t need a church to be a preacher. Just shout like you are in a bus station telling people how they should act and behave. Give them tips on how you are such an expert after all your online degree reading Bible verses course was so hard for others to comprehend.

10.Most importantly Twitter taught me to act like a Facebook girl and think like a Twitter woman (the movie will be out soon, I’m just looking for extras).

That’s what Twitter has taught me, what has it taught you?

Peace and blessings,
Vionna

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