My Own Worst Enemy

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Sometimes we tend to lash out on people who would as much as dare say something bad about us, confront them and give them a piece of our minds, but we never react the same when we do the same to ourselves. I was listening to Pink’s Don’t Let Me Get Me, and realized just how true that song is;

“Every day I fight a war against the mirror, I can’t take the person staring back at me”. 2013 was a year I was  forced to grow up, my life changed so fast, I didn’t have the time to catch up with it. I had two choices, to wallow in self pity and think of the things I left behind (which I did for awhile and still do sometimes) or accept the fact that life has its ups and downs and we just need to let the tide flow and be able to surf through the strong waves that might come our way. Easier said than done, no matter how many inspiring tweets I retweeted, no matter how many books I read, the war I was fighting was within. I was trying to win a battle without knowing who the enemy was. The enemy was me; comparing my life with my peers, being hard on myself and not counting the blessings God had brought my way. I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder what went wrong, I had my game plan all planned out in my head, settled down at a certain age, two kids running around our little picket fenced house. But life doesn’t always go according to how we plan it; I couldn’t take the person staring back at me while looking at the mirror.

“Don’t let me get me, I’m my own worst enemy, it’s bad when you annoy yourself, so irritating”. I made a few mistakes in 2012 and vowed not to do the same when 2013 came my way. I stuck to it for awhile, but then sometimes you fall of the bandwagon and have to brush yourself off and learn from your mistakes over and over again. I was annoyed at myself, and it was irritating, annoyed at the fact that I let my guard down, that I let myself down. I’m good at disguising a smile and not showing my real emotions to people, sometimes I forget and play along with my charade until everything bottled up comes out and I reach my breaking point and vow not to do it again, but find myself always in the same situation. They say it’s always good to talk to someone, it helps you find the root cause of the problem and how you can dress that wound up, but somehow people just don’t seem to understand and you would rather write it down and forget about it.

“Don’t want to be my friend no more; I want to be somebody else”. I no longer want to be that person, who brings me down anymore, I want to be a better me, accept the fact that comparing oneself to others doesn’t help in any way, instead focus on me and making me happy. I had a friend who told me once she realized Instagram was making her depressed and deactivated her account, she would see people posting photos of how they are living the good life, put up a selfie of herself ever smiling get a few likes and comments, but in reality no one knew what she was going through. Not even her closest friends, so she decided enough was enough, she was getting rid of everything that didn’t bring her any happiness in life. She inspired me to make my happiness a priority, to stop being my own worst enemy. It’s still an ongoing battle. Lord knows I have made a few mistakes lately that I’m not proud of, but that doesn’t mean I should beat myself up for it. I’m not perfect, my life may not be how I wanted it to turn out, but I’m alive, I have a roof over my head and a family that cares and puts up with my flaws. Things may not be the way I want them to be, but they are the way they should be. I have learned to be lenient with myself, and I won’t let me get me!

Peace and Blessings

Vionna. Continue reading

Natural Hair Rant Of A Misplaced Beauty

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This is a natural hair rant post,so please let me get a few things of my hair! Being natural,going back to natural hair is the most amazing experience ever. It’s an emotional journey that leaves you feeling free and your mind decolonized. With that said, I’m very happy that many women are embracing their nappy hair and going back to being natural. There are times when I made the big chop,I got the most stupid comments from my friends. Some would ask me if I was sick,what was wrong,was I too poor to afford relaxers. One even offered to take me to the salon and pay to get my hair done. Please note,all this comments came from black women. Women who have allowed themselves to be brainwashed into thinking that nappy hair makes you look shaggy,”poor”and sick! Why have we become so petty??God didn’t make our African hair nappy for no reason. Why would I want to have fake plastic /horse hair on my scalp,when I can embrace my natural curls?

I’m not done ranting yet. Hair product companies have discovered that natural hair is becoming a sort of movement. They’ve jumped in on the bandwagon. We now have thousands of options for nappy hair,which I totally love, but..and that’s a very big BUT,why would you bombard me with products on how to make my hair grow faster/longer? Did it ever occur to all this natural hair blogs that some people prefer TWAs(teeny-weeny afro)I’m sick and tired of all these rules around,oh you have to use this pudding cream,this type of conditioner ,a certain deep penetrating treatment,blah blah blah bla!Can’t we just be natural without having all these hair products in our face left,right and center? With that said, I’m glad I found the right products for my nappy hair without having to drain my wallet. Get what works for you and just do you. Whether you like your hair short or long,just be happy to be nappy! Let me repost a poem I did 8 years ago..the first time I tried going natural and had all sorts of issues with it! Enjoy!

MISPLACED BEAUTY

I’m stuck in a limbo,
To flaunt my African beauty,
Or hide my African booty?
They say I’m too ethnic, that I’m not authentic
To whose standards, theirs or mine?
So now they’ve got me bleaching my brown skin
I guess true beauty doesn’t come from within
I’m ashamed of my natural locks…they make me to shaggy to get an office job
My spring curled hair
Traumatized with relaxers
For it to be sleek and straight
Forcing me to give in to their bait
You see I’m not doing this out of naivety
But because I am a misplaced beauty

Giving in to their western cultures
My nose is too wide
My lips too luscious
My beautiful African behind too big and flabby for them
My wide African hips that ease my load while carrying their offspring, now too wide for them?!
Mama taught me to be proud of my roots
But now am acting all insecure about my looks
Trying to squeeze in into their mold
Of what true beauty should be…
They end up misplacing my beauty

You see they adored me before, with sweet names like ebony
They rode my hips like a sweet melody
The gap in between my teeth,
Was a marvel for them to see
My kinky afro, made their eyes glow
But then I gave in to their desires
And let them destroy my African beauty
Replacing it with an anorexic, plastic body, skinny looking malnourished African
Damn, I am a shapely African queen
I’m proud of my wide nose,
My big behind
My shapely hips
The gap in between my fine chiseled teeth
ooh my sweet pout lips
I aint getting rid of the cellulite, you see I’ve seen the light
I’m no longer a misplaced beauty
Because I know you are dying to caress
This beautiful African Goddess!

Peace and Blessings,Vionna

Capable Wife

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I hardly have time to blog nowadays,but there’s something that’s been itching and burning me up inside lately,I just felt it’s time I got it out of my system. When I was growing up,my mum used to recite Proverbs 31 to my sisters and I. Sometimes I would get so irritated,to a point where I used to think my mother did not love us. Whenever we’d go visiting, my mum would make sure we remember Proverbs 31:27 that says; She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat. I can still recite that whole chapter especially that verse by heart. My mother always told us,when you’re invited over for lunch/dinner you’re only a guest for the first 30 minutes,the rest if your ass wasn’t up and headed straight to the kitchen,the beating that would await once you got back home.You wouldn’t be able to sit down for days. I would see other girls my age playing around,and wondering why my mum had us working yet we had a househelp(but those are questions you wouldn’t dare ask out loud)

the good wifes guide

Anyway back to the reason why I had to do this post. Lately I’ve been pitying some ladies younger than me,as well as some of my friends. Most of us have reached that age,where you’re no longer just dating a guy,but you’re dating in the hopes of settling down soon.Let’s not use the word dating,more like courting. What I’ve seen when invited for lunches or sleepover by some of my friends who’ve finally settled down on their own are doing well,is pretty disturbing. It made me call my mum,just to say thank you a million times over for raising me the way she did and for drilling Proverbs 31 in me until it became part and parcel of how I conduct myself nowadays. Maybe it’s the fact that women have this whole I’m independent,you know where the fridge is,get your own damn food attitude thing going on. Ladies please, God wasn’t stupid making the man the head of the house. You should treat a man with respect and make him feel like he is important to you. Let me just share one scenario with you:

Lydia is in love with Simon(names have been changed to protect my safety)They are courting, she invites him and his friend over for dinner,then asks me to come over for the friend not to feel so awkward. House looks like a mess,clothes everywhere,dirty plates on the kitchen sink(mind you,it’s an American design sort of house where the kitchen and sitting lounge are divided by a small sort of bar area,so anyone can see the dirty dishes)I start getting shocked..I call her aside and make up an excuse we need some red wine to marinate the steak in if she can send the boys to get some and hurriedly clear the dishes while they are away.If I was a guy,that’s one point down,but anyway,let’s go on.They come back,you sit down,start chatting them up,leave me the friend in the kitchen cooking.Yes I know after 30 mins I’m not a visitor,but if you’re trying to impress Mr.Man,cook for him,don’t let him compliment your friends cooking.He is planning on marrying you remember?Get your ass in the kitchen and cook for him,show him what to expect in the near future.Finally I finish cooking,call her to serve for her man,she says:”It’s self service,he knows where the kitchen is”.No table set at the dinner table,serve straight from the sufuria ,put hot food on his lap,and that’s it. By this time I was about to strangle her and shake her back to reality. He asks to use the bathroom,then slowly comes back and asks her:”Do you have water problems here?” Confidently she says:”No! Not all,why do you ask?” I slowly went to the bathroom to check for myself. A woman’s toilet should never and I repeat never ever have stains like it’s a communal toilet!I went back to the sitting room quietly,her Mr.Man made some flimsy excuse that he had an early morning meeting and they left. She wondered what was wrong,when I tried to tell her she needs to style up,she got mad for weeks on end.But at least I told her.

Ladies, screw this whole we live in the 21st century bullshit attitude. A man is still a man,whether you like it or not,he will still want to be treated the way his mother treats him. I used to wonder why my mum,no matter how tired she would be from work,whether it’s 9pm,she would never allow the maid to cook for my dad. She would always do it,and the heartwarming smile on my dad’s face said it all. The fact that she made an effort,showed him she cared. My mum is the epitome of the capable wife described in Proverbs 31,especially verse 30:”Charm may be false,and prettiness may be vain,but the woman who fears God is the one that procures praise for herself.” I pray and hope to one day be like her. Like my mama always says,the most ugly trait a woman could ever have is laziness. Whatever century you think you might be living in ladies,the ratchet behaviour is wanting. Strive to be the capable wife mentioned in Proverbs 31.

Peace and Blessings,Vionna!

Had I Known

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Seven years ago on a day like today..It’s funny how time goes by so fast. They say time heals all wounds, but the loss and pain of a loved one never heals. You just learn to live with it and treasure the memories you had with them. I’m what you would like to call an introvert. I hide my feelings and hurt and always express it through poetry ,cooking or sewing. My dad died on January 5th 2006. It was one of the worst days of my life. He had been sick for a while, I never went to see him in hospital because I wanted my memory of him to be the strong papa who would carry me around as a little girl, not a frail man lying on a hospital bed. The day he kept asking for me, I decided I would go for the evening visit. As I was busy preparing myself that evening, my cousin called me crying saying how sorry he was. I was confused,I looked at my sister crying asking why he was calling to say sorry. That’s when it dawned on me he had died. I was angry at myself,confused in a daze wondering what had just happened. My mum and my other siblings came back home that night, and all I did was lock myself inside the bathroom, thoughts of ending my life too crossed my mind but only managed to cry my heart out. The guilt of not seeing him when I had the chance to ate me up, it still does sometimes. I learned to forgive myself for it recently and to treasure my family and most importantly my mum as much as possible. It has not been easy,but praying to God whenever I feel low,or talking to my mum has always kept me going,and of course poetry whenever I can’t express myself. If only I knew daddy..Forever Missed!    

  Had I known four years ago i wouldn’t have a daddy to call my own.
Had I known that my heart would break slowly,dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery.
Had I known that emptiness would entangle itself upon me with a grip so strong I couldn’t break free.
Had I known that mama would never dance with my father again.
Had I known the pain would haunt and stifle it’s grip on me.
Had I known that I’ll get to walk down that aisle someday without you by my side.
Had I known that i’d never get to call you daddy again and hear u whisper “I love you baby girl”.
Had I known that seven years later,I’d still be shedding tears writing this down on paper.
Had I known,I would have told you how much I love you.
But I didn’t know,I couldn’t fathom the impact it would have on me,with it’s deadly blow.
Had I not known that one day this enemy death will be erased.
Had I not known and held on to the   hope.
But I do know,and it makes my heart glow.
I know,hope and pray,that I’ll get to see your face someday..
For now,I do know i miss you night and day…

I Gave In

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It’s been awhile since I published any of of my poetry here..well today I’m just in the mood to do just that, so here goes…enjoy! (copy written so don’t copy me)

I  GAVE IN

I gave in, I gave in to his caress, to his hands that blessed, undressed every part of my being.

I gave in to his temptation, to his seduction, to each fraction of his lips, I sanctioned him in.

I gave in to the sweet nectar of his juice, my rivers flowed for him, as one our bodies fused, but my heart he bruised.

I gave in to his sweet words that tasted like honey, it’s funny, I didn’t notice how uncanny they felt, but I gave in.

I gave in to his kryptonite, see I was like Superman, and his krypton made me weak, so weak my knees trembled with desire, I gave in to his powers.

I gave in to his waves, his waters carried me on to shore, I wanted more and more. I gave in and let him dive in, dive deep in the waters, breathlessly drowning in his high tide. My feelings I could not hide.

I gave in to his roots, his roots so strong and thick, they held my tree. I didn’t want to break free. I gave in thinking that he was the root to my tree, but he was just a branch, a branch broken by a gust of wind, so swift to last. He had to remain in the past.

I gave in to the sweetness of his forbidden fruit, but his fruit turned out to be Poison Ivy, running through my veins, gripping my heart, breaking it piece by piece.

I gave in to the fantasy, but reality came knocking my door. This man that I adored, I came to abhor.

But he also gave in, he gave in to his deceit. Like the waves and motions, his emotions carried him to a dark place, I had to face, face the fact that he gave in to his desires.

He gave in to taste this pearl, a pearl so bright and precious none had ever tasted. But he wasted that pearl. No longer sparkling in front of his eyes, he gave in to the lies.

And I gave in to his web, like a fly he caught me, entangled and distraught.

I gave in to a moment of pleasure, not a lasting treasure.

Peace and Blessings,

Vionna.

What Twitter Taught Me

Warning, if you don’t get sarcasm please stop reading and continue tweeting. Thank you. Now that we have that out-of-the-way, I’d like to share a few things this addiction that is also known as Twitter has taught me.

1. Twitter taught me that High school never ends. We have the cool kids, the Goth kids, the blonde I will flash my boobs to become popular kids, the geek kids, the invisible kids and the ones that sound like they have cooties. Still wondering which cool kid to give it up to so that I can become famous.

2.Twitter taught me that you should not say a prayer before you eat, rather twitpic the food and send it to all your followers first, then maybe you can tweet a prayer about which fancy restaurant you’ve visited in the name of food, AMEN!

3.Twitter taught me it is cool to prevent prostate cancer. How you wonder? Well if I post a semi-naked picture of myself and a guy faps to it, I have saved someone’s balls. Plus, what could be more romantic than a random maybe creepy (but who cares) guy jizzes while looking at my photo?

4.Twitter taught me if you don’t have it, fake it until you sound like you’ve made it. You know, like (please insert a Blonde cheerleader’s accent here)OMG I’m so like cool, I have like an iPhone that’s so like 5 not 4s, and I like so don’t know Kaswahili, I’m like so raised in the suburbs. But they probably don’t know I get so broke trying to look rich though!

5.Twitter taught me to be an expert at playing the monkey see monkey do game.” Oh lookie! Here’s a random person I don’t know but since I want to be buddies with the cool kids, let me join them in insulting this person I hardly know.”This game is so fun!

6.Twitter taught me the best therapy to get over my insecurities is find a victim on the social network, tell them how ugly they are, or how fat they are and hide behind my computer and phone. See how macho I’ve become? I CAPSLOCKED them and showed them who runs this. I don’t need you Dr. Phil!

7.Twitter taught me to be very religious when I’m out in the real world having conversations with real people. I just bow my head as if I’m praying while I’m busy tweeting and caressing my phone’s keypad like it’s a rosary. It also taught me it’s ok to tweet Bible verses on Sundays and have nasty I want the D tweets during the rest of the week.

8.Twitter taught me that travelling by bus is not a means of transportation and being poor is a bad disease. Like who does that? You can’t afford a flight to Mombasa, Kisumu or Rongai? Euww that is so disgusting!

9.Twitter taught me that you don’t need a church to be a preacher. Just shout like you are in a bus station telling people how they should act and behave. Give them tips on how you are such an expert after all your online degree reading Bible verses course was so hard for others to comprehend.

10.Most importantly Twitter taught me to act like a Facebook girl and think like a Twitter woman (the movie will be out soon, I’m just looking for extras).

That’s what Twitter has taught me, what has it taught you?

Peace and blessings,
Vionna

Going Coconuts..and A few Natural Beauty Tips

Wow! June already! Time really does seem to fly, and gone with my blogging mojo while at it too! But here I am now, and a few ladies wanted me to share with them a few of my natural beauty tips that Iuse, so I thought why not share it here and you can feel free to add any other tips that you might have. Remember, sharing is caring. Some of us have the kind of skin that is so sensitive it reacts to everything and anything. Be it, metal touching it, hair touching it. Well that some of us is me. I’ve used all the products you could name, but what I always hated is the cakey look on my face when it came to using foundations. When a friend of mine, advised me to go the natural way, it got me thinking. The Egyptians in ancient times used to bathe in milk and honey and their skin was flawless, why not go back the natural way and try it out? I started doing my own little research and was fortunate to find a lovely old wise woman who showed me all the amazing things coconut oil can do. So let me share with you a few tips and hope you’ll get good results as much as I did! I’m fortunate to live in the tropical Coastal area surrounded by palm trees full of coconuts, yet I never realized the benefits it has. I’ve shared a few natural tips that I’ve tried and tested through my going natural journey, so go on and turn your kitchen into a beauty treatment!
1. What I do, I cut the coconut in half..let it dry out in the sun for a few days. The white part dries of completely and the oil melts, so for me I don’t buy it at the supermarket and I find this really virgin and pure.(giggles at my lame joke) When I started faithfully applying it daily, within a week the eczema I had was gone! I could wear chains and such like metal things without getting crazy skin reactions!

2. Coconut oil is good for the hair too. I remember when growing up my mum used to apply it on our natural hair and the smell would put us off, yet my sisters and I had very lovely long natural hair then. I decided to go back to using it on my hairline that was slowly vanishing thanks to frequent braiding and my hairline being pulled tightly and it worked wonders. But an extra tip, I mix it with olive oil and massage it on my scalp the smell is not so bad.

3.I had pneumonia that never wanted to get out of my system. Week after week I was put on strong antibiotics. Now the good thing about antibiotics they kill bacteria. The bad thing is, they kill good bacteria too “down there” if you know what I mean. In turn you might get thrush or a urinary tract infection because of it. But coconut oil is natural and good to apply in such sensitive areas. Even your gynae will agree.

4. Now let’s move from coconut oil to other tips I find useful. Turmeric powder and natural yoghurt. If you mix just a bit of turmeric powder and yoghurt to form a thick paste and apply it as a face mask, you get the results instantly, just leave it on for 10 minutes then rinse it off. It leaves your face smooth and tight nicely. Kinda like a natural Botox of sorts.

5.Ever greeted someone and their hands just felt like sandpaper rubbing on your hands? Yeah sometimes we don’t look after our hands well, they do all the work we tend to forget they need extra care sometimes. And for the ladies, rough hands is such a no no. What I do, I normally squeeze some fresh lemon juice, mix it with some sugar and use it as a hand scrub! Smooth, soft hands all the way baby!

6.Sometimes I’m too lazy to start mixing up masks, or want a change from coconut oil. What I do, I rub the inside of fresh peaches in circular motions on my face and body. Awesome you do that for a week and you’ll notice the difference.


7.Did you know that watermelon is a natural skin toner and brightens your skin? Yep no crazy bleaching products needed. Just squeeze out the juice from grated melon, mix with a pinch of gram flour. Apply the paste on your face and leave it for fifteen minutes. Your skin will be glowing after that!

8. Milk and honey. I went back to the Bible for this and decide to try to copy the Egyptians and see if it works. Well, I didn’t go all the way bathing in milk and honey. Just used it on my face, a few years back after I had chicken pox and it left ugly spots on my face. My face became so smooth like a baby’s bum without nappy rash!

9. Egg white is also good to use as a face mask. Though I hate the smell of eggs so I hardly use it.

10. And ladies last but definitely not least, they say we are what you eat. So a pineapple/strawberries or Kiwis a day will make deep-sea diving a bit enjoyable to explore. (If you can’t decipher that code, then I can’t help you much)
Peace and Blessings always,
Vionna